Exhausted

I am exhausted. I never knew grief could be so active. It's exhausting. Crying. Hurting. Thinking. Crying. Details of death. Exhausting. My mind won't be still, keeps skipping around, making it impossible to rest. I feel as though I am breaking up from the inside out. Having never been a super emotional person, I have no idea what to do with this person that is existing in my body now. The pain is visceral and very real. It's as though, I can hold it together and then my body just can't contain it, and I cry. Then, I can go on a little longer, then I cry again.

I have been able to work there are times I have to go to the bathroom to cry, but I am very discreet about it. The worst part of it, is that I don't want to be this needy person, but I am. Even now, I'm talking around what has happened. What I do know, is that the only witness to my life from the beginning is gone. Even though we were so opposite in so many ways, she was mine. I can't believe that my sister is gone.

I hate all those euphemisms for death. She was murdered and my world has been rocked.

Yes, my spiritual heart and mind tell me many things, and I cling to the Hope I have in Jesus and His love for her and for me. It's unfailing. I lean on the Holy Spirit for comfort. Yet, even in all these things, my heart is wailing.

I can't bear it.