Debbie Downer

Nobody wants to be Debbie Downer, least of all me.  I am the funny one.  I make everyone else laugh. I see humor in nearly every situation.  If you are feeling blue, then you call me.  I will make you laugh. If not at yourself, then at me.  I tell the funniest stories of my own stupidity.

The problem comes when I am feeling blue.  I have been so sad this Christmas.  I was doing ok, until all my traditions were thrown out the window.  As an adopted kid with no history, I have created it by having traditions.  In an unstable world, they give me stability.  This year, I didn't have one.  Not a single one.  It was horribly depressing.  I felt so alone.  I haven't shaken it either.

How do I reconcile my faith and my belief and anchor that Jesus is with me, and yet feel so alone?  I think it's because when I start feeling emotional, I shut everything down.  Which means that I also stop receiving from God too.

It's stupid.  Sometimes I am stupid.  Sometimes I am sad.  I just have to be ok with it.  Today, I am sad. Tomorrow will be better, I know it.

Home Sweet Home

I have been enjoying my stay here in Oklahoma.  I have spent tons of time with my best friends and am getting ready for the Christmas Weekend.

I wanted to pause in all the business to thank God for sending His Son for the atonement of my sins.  Through this extraordinary gift, I have a hope that stands in the face of all my troubles and allows me to stand firm, knowing God so loved me that He gave His only begotten Son, that I may have eternal life because I believe in Him.

May God's eternal gift enrich your Christmas season and may we all pray for the return of Christ, when there will finally be peace on earth.

Love,

Marie

You can never go home again...

I am going home to Oklahoma for an extended stay for Christmas.  I am really looking forward to hanging out with my friends and family.  The quote "You can't go home again" was running through my mind.

This is an idea that the devil would love for you to take to heart.  In fact, the very idea that you can't go home again is counter to everything that the Bible says.  The prodigal son in an excellent example of this.  The devil wants you to believe that you can never be forgiven.  You can never be restored.  You can never be good enough or do enough to be able to be embraced by Father God.  This is such a lie.  The entire premise of salvation is based on the fact that we are NEVER going to be good enough.  We will never be able to attain righteousness.  It is through the blood of the Lamb (Jesus) that we are made new, behold, OLD things have passed away, all things are made new (paraphrase) Look up 2 Corinthians 5:17 for the full verse.

The part of the prodigal son that always touched me, was the father was looking for his son to come home.  He was watching and waiting.  It wasn't that the son crawled in and begged to be let back in.  No, he was watching and waiting and ran up to him.  Instant forgiveness.  That is how our Father in heaven works too.  All we have to do is go to Him.  Acknowledge that He is God.  Repent.  Then, all those things we had done before are washed away by the blood of the Lamb.  We are new.  All is forgotten and all is forgiven.

You CAN go home again.  God is waiting for you.  Go to Him.  Allow Him Lordship of your life.  He will embrace you and tell you how He loves you.

Say Cheese!!!

Serious note. As this is a time for families to get together and take lots of pictures, I would STRONGLY encourage you to get in the picture! After my sister was killed, and we were compiling pictures, there were almost NO pictures after she was an adult. She and I are both guilty of not wanting our picture taken. I hate having my picture taken because I am over weight. But you know what? Those that love me, just want to see a picture of the good times. So, if you are like me and shirk out of getting your picture taken, get in there! Smile like you won the lottery. Don't worry about how you look. Enjoy the moment.

Tug-of-war

I am a hot mess right now.  Well, to be fair, it is more of a constant tug-of-war.  My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts.  What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? What? What?? WHAT????

It is the battle of my natural mind, and the constant reminding that God is in control and I don't have to to know "what".

That untamed heart is still reverting back to worrying about 1) money, 2) wasting my life, 3) a legacy and 4) the fact that I'm worrying about all these things.  It's a viscous cycle.  So, I have to tell myself to shut up!!!

God is the God of all, and if He can turn water into wine, and can have the oil and flour continue for months, then He can take care of us.

I strive to be obedient in all things, so if I am constantly focusing on what God wants from me, then how can I be wasting my life?  My legacy will be just that.  Obedience.

My counselor said that I sometimes I despised my own humanity - in other words, I never give myself a break.  I need to give myself a break.  I have been through a ton in the last year and it's OK to consider my options.

I've said it before, and I will say it again, the answer is WHO.  It's not what circumstances I am in, it's Who is in control.  Jesus.  It's not where I am going.  It's Who I am following.  Jesus.  It's Him.

So, I will pray for a spirit of Peace to infuse my heart and relax to know that the God of Universe, the same God who created the world, parted the red sea, fed a million plus people daily, brought Himself into the world, and raised Himself from the dead, He is on my side.  He is looking out for me.  He loves  me.  If God is for me, who can be against me??

Are you in a constant tug-of-war?  Let go.  Let God take control.  Allow the Holy Spirit to infuse you with His peace.  Be content in the place where you are.  Stop trying to skip ahead.  Enjoy the moment and the space God has provided you, right now.

Contentedly yours,

M.

Thankfulness in pain

I was listening to the news.  They were reporting on a vigil for a young man who was killed FOUR years ago, and no one has been arrested in his murder.  They wanted to remind everyone that they still wanted justice for him.

Every time I hear a story like that, I say a little prayer of thankfulness that my family did not have to go through that.  My sister's murder, awful as it was, at least had immediate closure.  By the time we found out she had been killed, we also knew that the person who killed her, had days after her death, killed himself.  The police upon entering the house found her in her room, and him in a different room of the house.  We were not forced into a lengthy trial.  We did not have to see crime scene photos.  We did not have to agonize whether the jury would see the truth.  As awful, horrifying, swift and terrible as it was, it was over in the same phone call.

As a Christian, I do not want anyone to see hell.  It is a tearing away from God.  In the final judgement, knowing God, having perfect peace and joy and being ripped away forever.  Lake of fire? Horrifying.  Separation from God?  Unimaginable.

As God showed me, we don't know some one's heart or what happens in those last minutes.  I do not believe the person who killed my sister and then killed himself is in heaven.  If he is, then by then, I won't care, because in heaven there is no sorrow, no anger, no longing for justice.  There is only one thing.  Holy. Holy. Holy, is the Lord God Almighty, Who was, Who is, and Who is to come.

Are you in the middle of the whirlwind of whys??? I can't give you answers to those questions, but I CAN tell you that God loves you and wants you to turn to Him.  The answer is Jesus.  It doesn't matter the question, the answer is Jesus.  Sounds very trite, but it is true.

In the darkest days of my pain, all I could do is thank God for loving me and for my salvation, if I could not think of anything else to be thankful for on that day.

Be thankful.  Praise Him.  Trust Him.

Marie