Not safe for public consumption ...

The title says it all.  My heart and mind have travelled to some dark places the last few months.  I was afraid to post anything because I didn't want to be a stumbling block for someone else.

Surprising notes from my time in Mordor:

I was totally blindsided by grief that I thought I was over.  Grief basically kicked me in the Macgullicuty and laughed about it.  Not cool, Grief, not cool.


I got angry. I mean angry. I had a major throw myself on the floor tantrum. Did I mention I got angry?  It was not pretty.

I once again had to just say, "Fine. Whatever."  God knows what is happening and I don't.  He wins and really I win even though it doesn't feel like a win.

After grudging acceptance came worship and then came peace. Again.

I feel better.

So there you go, months of silence and you get this...

Was it worth the wait ?

I remain,

Marie  the Magnificent

Blog coming soon

Seriously. 

Guess who finally caved and got Internet?

Oh yeah.  It was me.  We moved to Arkansas in late March and I tried to hold off on the internet stuff to save money and to try to not be a slave to social media - ironic as I am  a pseudo-blogger.  Anyway, long story short, we got internet.   I didn't want to blog using my iPhone because well, YOU try blogging on a touch screen that is tiny!

So what has been going on? Well, let's see.  I started a job.  It's a nice little job.  Not too stressful.  The people are really nice - and I'm not saying that in case they stumble across this blog, they are nice.


My cousin moved in with us a couple weeks ago.  So, our nice 2 bedroom condo is now nice and full!!!

I have been dealing with let's say "anger issues".  I don't know if I should go into it here, because I have been told my "issues" might hurt others theological foundations.  So, let's just say that I am thinking thoughts that most people don't think, but in thinking those thoughts, they don't negate the truths as I know them: God is infinite.  Jesus is His son.  He died. He rose.  He's coming back.

All those things are truths that are not disputable to me.  However, there are things that are rolling around in my head that make me feel that perhaps some of those things weren't necessary.

Anyhoo.

So, there we are.  Things are good. I am OK but a little pissed.  Life is good.

Toodles, noodles!

Betrayal

It is the deepest betrayal to have a willing spirit trapped in an unwilling body. It makes me so angry. I, who have the spirit of a legion of men, am shackled to a body that is constantly trying to kill me. I gaze around me to inert souls who care not and I want to scream. WHY? Why do I have to be slowed down by a chronic incurable disease???  Dis. Ease. Indeed.  

I am so frustrated in my own impotence to do what I want to do. Is it too much to ask that I can work AND do other things? I am so bone weary. 

I am sure you are waiting for the spiritual insight that will drag this rant into something uplifting and inspiring.  Good luck with that. 

Fine. Here it is. Whatsoever state I am in I have learned to be content. Paul wrote that. 

I have submitted to God in nearly every area but this.  (At least I think so...) I don't want this. I don't. End of story. 

Saves nine...

I have started stitching again. This may seem trivial but in the weeks after my sister's death (even now I really wanted to type murder but thought I shouldn't), I stitched to keep my mind as blank as possible. It helped keep me company in the lonely hours of the night when I couldn't sleep. This wasn't the first time I stitched through a crisis and won't be the last.

After a couple months, I put the project I had started away. Once the immediate onslaught of emotions washed through me, I knew that stitching would allow my mind to wander too much. I put away my stitching for a year and a half.

Something I did not expect, I can't pick up the project that I started without those first emotions jolting through me. It is bizarre. I have had no problems completing other crisis pieces. This is new territory for me. I want to finish it. It is for my Goddaughter. Yet, these emotions grip me when I try. Usually I can bend my emotions to my will. Subvert them. Nope, not in this case. Perhaps in a few more months I will try again.

Until then, I am starting a fresh project. It is very complicated and most likely will take a year or more.

I guess I am writing all of this to let you know that grief isn't predictable and just when you think you are fine, it has a way of saying... maybe not yet, but soon.

A Stitch in Time...

On top of everything else, I do a little cross-stitching. I made this in a month.

So What?

Things happen all the time that we are not ready for. Good things. Bad things. Stuff happens. Situations change...often so fast your head and/or heart spins. So what happens next? Do you get sucked into the vortex of woulda, coulda, shoulda? Do you try to grasp at the tattered remains?

I have found all the above leave you spent and empty. The thing to do is stop! drop! and roll!! Lol. I kid.

Although... Stop what you are doing. Drop to your knees and roll your cares to Jesus is pretty sound advice!!

I ask myself "so what?!". Everything in this life is temporary. This too shall pass. Even the gut wrenching circumstances and faith testing pain. It does pass...if you surrender to the Father and know He will bear your burden. So. What. God will carry me through. So.What.

Try it. They are fear busting words.

So What?

Things happen all the time that we are not ready for. Good things. Bad things. Stuff happens. Situations change...often so fast your head and/or heart spins. So what happens next? Do you get sucked into the vortex of woulda, coulda, shoulda? Do you try to grasp at the tattered remains?

I have found all the above leave you spent and empty. The thing to do is stop! drop! and roll!! Lol. I kid.

Although... Stop what you are doing. Drop to your knees and roll your cares to Jesus is pretty sound advice!!

I ask myself "so what?!". Everything in this life is temporary. This too shall pass. Even the gut wrenching circumstances and faith testing pain. It does pass...if you surrender to the Father and know He will bear your burden. So. What. God will carry me through. So.What.

Try it. They are fear busting words.

16 tons and what do ya get...

So, let's see... Last I updated I had just moved to Arkansas and was unpacking. This weekend marks one month since that has happened. I have unpacked the whole house. I have hosted people in my home every weekend AND I got a job and have been working for a week. Is there any reason you can think of why I have been a posting slacker? No? Well, my bad!!!

The house is starting to come together and the new job is ok.

I will return to form very soon!

Here is the piece of furniture I repainted and it is in the living room now.

Whirlwind Weekend!

What does anyone do that moves into their new town home do? Well, if you are me, you throw a weekend gathering! That's right! I moved. I unpacked. I over achieved - shocking!!!

I had a wonderful time cooking and relaxing! There were six of us and it was so fun!

I am so blessed to be loved by so many!!

A quick update

I have unpacked the mountain of boxes!!! I did it in two weeks - ok, ok.  I know, it took me longer, but I am doing it with ONE leg.  I am just relieved it is all finished.  Now, to work on making it pretty.  It has been quite the adventure.  I share this little tidbit so you know what I am dealing with here in Arkansas.

The leasing company told me I would have to go to the post office to get my mailbox key.  OK.  I went, and they looked it up and said, that no, they didn't have it - the leasing company did.  I called them. NOTE: The following really happened word for word!!

Me: "The post office says you have my mailbox key."

Lending Office (LO): "We didn't give it to you?"

Me: "No, I got two front door keys."

LO: "Oh, well, do you want me to put it in the mail to you?"

Me:  "Um, no.  How would I get it?"

LO: LONG pregnant pause (I could see the buffering line over her head moving slowly.) "Oh...."

Oh, indeed.  Yes, live bait at gas stations and barely live brain cells.  Thank you very much, Arkansas.  I am here all week!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok, so now I am off to an interview with a staffing company.  The fun never ends!!!

Your Magnificent Marie

Resurrection Sunday 2007 - Retro Post

May today be a day of great joy and hope for each of you. Today, we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. God in the flesh, absorbed every sin committed or will ever be committed. Died. Took the keys of death and the grave. ROSE on the third day. Paving a way, through Him, to God. No longer a separation. No longer a veil keeping us from the Holy of Holies. I thank God for the sacrifice of His Only Son. I thank God, I am a new creature, old things passed away. All things becoming new, because of the blood He shed for me. I stand in awe in His presence in reverent worship and gratitude as I try to contemplate the magnitude of His gift. Our God, IS an awesome God. As the angels sing around His throne. Holy. Holy. Holy. Is the Lord God Almighty. Who was. Who is. Who is to come!

Feb. 2007 I am an excellent driver...

Rainman strikes again. So, here I thought that I was doing well working while enduring "the mono" as I now call it. Yup, I have "the mono". I really, truly thought I was ok. I was FINE. Sure, there were several nights last week that I did not eat dinner, because that would have required work. I barely got up the two flights of stairs and got my clothes off and crawled into bed. BESIDES the not eating (which let's face it, I could stand to miss a meal or two), I thought I was doing OK. Or, so I thought...

On my lunch hour I went to Borders to find a book. The 2nd in a trilogy. Only to be told that the 1st and 3rd books were in print, but the 2nd one was not. This seemed to me a very cruel joke. I've read 1 and 3 and really wanted to know what happened in the between bits. So I was frustrated. Then! I saw a book that caught my eye the last time I had been in "You Suck! A love story." Of COURSE I had to buy it. Hello. A sarcastic vampire story. HAD to have it. So I gloated over my purchase and since I was too tired to masticate, I decided to just get a soda. McD's. They have the best Coke.
Setting it all up now....

Go through the drive-thru. I have my handy-dandy soda. I see a prime parking spot. I park. Take off seat-belt (safety first!). Adjust my seat. Put the straw in the drink. Take a sip. Settle in and begin to read. It's GOOD. I am enjoying it very much. That is, until I heard insistent honking. I looked up. I was, after all, at a busy intersection. Didn't see anything...and back to the book. Laughing. Nodding. Enjoying the book. AGAIN! The honking. I look up and see the guy in a van next to me honking and moitioning me to get out of the way. I literally give him the "what the hell!" look, and the shrug and go back to my book. Ah, such a good book. Funny book. Great, great book. My reverie is broken by the honking. I mean, he is going to town on that horn. I look up, scornfully. He's doing the motion thing again. I then, take a moment to take in my surroundings. That's when I notice it. I'm not technically in the parking space. I am, technically in the middle of the drive. Apparently, I was so tired that I just saw the parking space and just turned off my engine right then and there. So now, I am flustered. FLUSTERED. I am all trying to shove the book away and move my seat back up while trying to start my car. OH MY GOD! MY CAR WILL NOT START! Great, I am humilated and my car will not start. I go into full rainman panic mode. Laughing inanely, because I know I look like an idiot. Chattering to myself. Start the car. Why won't the car start. Start the car. Looking up and around noticing there are LOTS of cars waiting for me to get out of the way! WHY WON'T THE BLOODY CAR START! Breathe. In. Out. I guess the oxgyen cleared my head, because that's when I noticed the car was NOT in park. It was in drive. So I quickly, with my cat-like reflexes slam the car into park. Start the car and lurch into the parking space. All the while, doing the sheepish hand wave, mea culpa shrug. Whew! I turn off my car. SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT! The car is rolling backwards. Using my big brain, I notice that yet again, it was not in park. I slam my foot on the brake and then I slam my car into drive. Crisis averted. I laughed and cried and then I went back to my book.

I would like to say nothing was injured, except my pride.
There you are kittens, another misadventure of Miss Magnificent.

Retro Blog from Christmas 2006

I was starting to read my old blog that I used to have.  This is from Christmas 2006.  Reading it again, filled me with peace and joy, so I am sharing with you.


Merry Christmas

Christmas is upon us once again. This time of year, like so many things in
my life, affects me on various levels. It's no surprise that I am a very complex
person, with many facets to my personality. This time of year amplifies that.
This Christmas season is tinged with sadness. This is the first Christmas without
Dad Ames. Thanksgiving was not easy, but I am dreading Christmas. He and
I used to sit on the sofa and just talk while everyone else bustled around. This
makes me sound lazy, but it's just not the case. I just loved that special time
where he'd come over and say, "Hello, dear" and we'd just talk about everything
and nothing.

Yet, on the other hand. My heart is full of hope and joy. This, after all is when
we celebrate the day that Hope came in the flesh. The day that God gave us
the greatest gift we could ever have. His Son. The day when angels filled the
sky and said "Glory to God in the Highest and on earth, peace and good will
toward all men!" It is the day that He became one of us. To think of it, boggles
the mind. It humbles me deeply. He loved us so much, He came to bridge the
gap between our sinful selves and His Holiness. Heaven looked on in awe and
the magnitude of His love for us. I thank God for delivering Himself to us and to
me so that I may live with Him eternally. I thank God for loving me so much He
lived here for me. I wanted to pause and to remember all He has done for me.
If He did nothing more for me that to love me, that would be enough. However,
God's love is a lavish love and He has rained blessings upon me. He has given
me Grace. He has given me Mercy. He has given me all that He has. My soul
stands still and silent in the awe of Him. Tears come to my eyes as I think of
how He saved me. How He restored me. How He cares for my every need and
concern. He completes me with His love. He is continuing to work in me and
through me and I thank God for each and every lesson learned, because it pulls
me closer to His heart.

I thank God for every gift He has given me. Every loss I have endured, isn't in
vain. There is a hope and a blessed reunion coming. Writing this is causing me to
weep bittersweet tears. I miss those that aren't with me. Oh, how I wish I could
sit and talk to them just for a moment or two. However, they are all in God's
hands and I trust He will look after them until we are together again. Yet even
as the tears slide down my cheeks, a smile spreads across my face. Thinking of
that moment. Time standing still. Heaven hushed. Waiting. Then... a baby's cry
and Heaven rejoices. "Do not be afraid! I bring you good tidings of great joy that
will be for all people. Today, in the City of David a savior has been born, Christ
the Lord." I rejoice with the angels. I say Glory to God! Praise to the King of
Kings!

May the hope that was born in Bethlehem, Jesus Christ, stay in your heart and
mind not just at Christmas, but every day of the year.

Holy Lazy Blogging, Batman!!!

Oh, Long-Suffering Readers,

You have been so patient with me.  All tens of you, have been wilting without the sunshine of my presence, wisdom, and smart mouth.  I apologize for keeping myself from you!!!

OK. Fine.  So, I was really sick, then I had a horrendous February, which at some point, I will laugh at, but right now, I am in the midst of moving...again!

In fact, this Saturday, I am moving to Fayetteville, Arkansas.  That's right. You read that correctly.  Arkansas.  I promise you when I tell you that I have seen with my own eyes a live bait dispenser outside a gas station.  Live bait. Awesome.

However, the people are very friendly.  This is a new chapter for us, and when I tell you that God is stretching me like taffy, believe it.

I will go into all of these things later, which I'm sure you are waiting with baited breath to hear (haha), but for now, I am still alive.  I have thoughts - sometimes coherent ones, even!  I will be back to regular-ish posting very soon.

Until then, I am still your Queen Marie the Magnificent.

Migraine...

I have a migraine again.  I am starting to think it is somehow tied to the tooth that is still hurting me.  The Endodontist (sp?) called today, so it will be another week and a half until I get seen.

On a very positive note, I finally got Cymbalta again.  This is a miracle drug that really affects me in so many positive ways.  It is a wonder drug for my Lupus.  I feel better when I take it.  When I was on it, I had so much energy and felt awesome and could move without pain (or at least not crippling pain).  I was zip lining down mountains, and went to barely being able to move.  I am so thrilled to have insurance again!!!

Where is my actual crown.

Went to dentist, about tooth that was hurting. Left 5.5 hours later with a new crown AND the tooth was the reason I went, was left untouched. Apparently, the new crown that I got 6 months ago, well they think is fractured. So, Endodontist (sp?) Monday and then we'll see. My mouth hurts tonight. They did about 6 procedures. Also, apparently, they think I need another crown. I can't afford all this crap. Ugh. At least my ear is numb. No really. That is how far the numbing went. I needed three different shots, because the numbing didn't exactly work. Good times.

I asked where my actual crown was, that if you had to get a crown on your tooth, you should get a crown to wear.  

Faith Narcolepsy

This is what I am defining what I seem to be doing these days.  I am going on just fine.  God is good.  God is great.  God is going to see us through this situation.  New contact? Bills due? Nothing on the horizon? No problemo.  God has it under control!!!  Then...

It seems I fall asleep at the faith wheel.  I wake up and then AAARRRGGGHHH What is happening??    How are we going to make rent?????????  The sky is falling!!!

Then, I jolt myself and remember who I am, and that I am God's favorite kid and He will take care of me, and all is right with the world...until I fall asleep again.

So, the question I have is, how do I keep from being a narcolept?  I am getting a clearer handle on the situation, but I'm pretty sure that it is keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus.  It's like Peter.  He was so afraid, the wind was blowing.  The rain was coming down.  It was scary.   Jesus was walking on water.  WALKING ON WATER.  He called out to Peter, and asked him to come, and he did.  He climbed over the railing and didn't think twice.

It was when he started looking around and saw his circumstances that he began to sink.  This is where most people leave off the story.  However, he called out to Jesus and he was able to walk back to the boat.

Perhaps right now, like me, you are in your own storm.  Everything looks creepy and scary.  You can't really see a way out.  Well, Jesus is waiting to take your hand and help you walk on your circumstances.  There isn't one thing God is not able to do for you.  Sit back.  Keep your eyes on Him.  Remember who God is, and what He was willing to do just so you could have eternal life.  If God is willing to sacrifice His own son, and raise Him from the dead, what is He willing to do for you in your life right now?  Let this be a time of rejoicing.  You have a front row seat to see how awesome God is, and what He can do in your life.

Standing on the promises with you,

Marie

Migrane today

Spent most of the day in a daze, in the dark.  Tomorrow will be better.

Tea, Earl Grey, White

It makes everything better.  I think from my post yesterday, it is obvious that I should not give up caffeine.  Apparently, it fills in the holes of my personality!  Today, I am going to organize my pantry.  Even though our time here in Denver is limited, I brought some of my beloved pop-up containers back from Oklahoma.  If you didn't know, I have a bum wrist, so opening Tupperware containers is near impossible on bad days.  OXO has these amazing containers with a pop up.  They are easy to use and best of all, they are clear, so you can see what you have and what you need.

So, right now, besides the awful no Coke days, I have been really working to subdue my natural self and not worry.  I mean, hello.  The God of the Universe is looking out for me.  Why do I feel He needs my advice?  P.S. He doesn't.  We are definitely living by faith these days.  My poor husband got shingles at 26!! Crazy.  When he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid.  We were nearly 3 weeks without pay.  On top of that, his contract hasn't been renewed.  So, what is the first rule of Hitch Hiker's Guide? Don't PANIC!!!

God has it all under control and I am honestly joyful, because I am being stretched a little more.  I love when God does this, because it means that He trusts me enough to test me, and loves me enough to want to get rid of old insecurities and give me new purpose and peace.

What are you trusting God for?

Marie

Eh

That is exactly how I feel, eh.  Happy New Year! Eh. Merry Christmas! Eh. Mexican Food! Eh.

So that about sums it up.  Eh.  Neither happy, nor sad, just eh.