Bruised Reeds of my heart

Isaiah 42:3 "A bruised reed He will not break and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out"

"Jesus didn't come to get you out of the pain of life; He has come to live in you through it." Dr. Frank Gripka

This is from an excerpt from "When a Woman trusts God" By Sheila Walsh.

My reading today was Ephesians 1 (the whole chapter). It was all about trusting God. Hmmm. You think God is trying to say something to me? DUH! All these months of showing me places in my heart that needs weeding out. Places that I had kept under my control rather than give it to Him.

Tonight my heart was breaking. Things that you don't want to happen in life, they happen anyway. It's how we deal with them that speaks to where we are in our spiritual walk. Tonight, I just ran to Jesus. I am giving him these offerings of my fears. These fears that have been with me all my life. The fear of being happy. Seems so stupid to be afraid of being happy, but all during my childhood every time something good happened...well, something bad happened. It made me cringe from the happy. God has not called us to sit in corners cringing out of fear. He has called us to be more than conquerors!!! He has called us His beloved.

My heart that was broken, crushed, uprooted and replanted, it again is undergoing a deep pruning from the Master Gardner. Even as I am crushed a fragrance of submission fills the air, the delicate perfume of trust. It wafts up to my Shepherd and He smiles at me and asks, "Do you trust me?" I do Lord. I do. Take me where you will. I am here. Malleable. Joyful in knowing that you are taking me closer to the High Places. My heart bursts with incandescent joy. You love me. You desire my company. You will not harm me. You will protect me. You died for the protection of my heart. You yanked the keys of sin and death from the enemy of my soul. You rose up again, so that we may never be parted. You wait and come to bring me home. I wait with expectation of your Glory falling on me.

I do trust you. I am not so different from Much Afraid. Even though I am fighting the fear, I'd rather tremblingly give my heart and my hand to you than be parted from you. I love you Lord. Life my eyes to you so that I don't look down or around to where we are going, but that I only focus on you. Your love. Your peace. Your devotion to me. Reshape me. Fashion me into who you want me to be. I shall be content because I know you are creating me to be the person you always created me to be.

Selah.

Cleansing

Today was spectacularly horrid. I cried, a lot. I don't often cry, and certainly not about silly things like work. However, I realized that what I am not crying from...I'm crying out from. It's a wound. A wound in my heart that I thought was healed. Today, God is showing me, that no, it's not healed. A man in authority over me, invaded my space, spewing venom. It took all the strength that I posses and God's strength to keep me from fighting and from running. Those are three responses to abuse. Freeze. Flight. Fight. The only thing I froze from those days was my heart. Well, God is thawing it out and showing me there are deep wells of feeling thawed out and I am getting used to have these pesky things known as feelings. God created us to feel, and to feel deeply. IF you love me, feed my sheep. If you love me....not if you fear me, not if you want a reward....if you love me. I asked God tonight to come into the wound from my childhood and clean it out. I gave Him permission to remove the dying flesh, and to revive it and restore it to how He created it to be.

I get so frustrated with myself when I fail. I mean, I'm perfect, right? RIGHT? Of course not, but I hold myself to a higher standard than the God of the Universe. How stupid is that of me? He's more tender. He's more forgiving. He's more compassionate. May God mould me into His heart. Valiant. Strong. True. Loving. Gentle. Kind. Forgiving.

My heart and my soul feel beaten up to today, but I know that I am going through these tests to move me to a higher place. If you move higher into the High Places, you need all the heart capacity you can get, so you can get oxygen to your lungs. Well, spiritually, we need the same. Optimum working conditions so we can run, leap, and follow our Shepherd into the Highest of Places.

Oh my God I worship you and joyfully proclaim that all the pain is nothing compared to your love and your goodness. I lift my hands and my heart to you so that I am washed in your love. Sanctify me. Strengthen me. Love me beyond comprehension.

Rising as a phoenix from the ashes of the altar of my self-will.

Miss Magnificent