The winter of my discontent

 I skipped yesterday because I had an interview and today got the call that I have a second interview next week.  I am happy but also a little miffed at myself.  I have never gotten the hang of "just being".  

Part of me thinks it's because I have this disconnected feeling about living here in Denver.  We might stay or we might go.  This has kept me from getting involved.

If I were in Oklahoma and not working, I would be out having lunches with friends.  I would have all my stuff around me and be able to do my hobbies a little better.  Ok, I can cross-stitch here, if not for my bum wrist.

I have made a couple friends here, and I am thankful for them.  They are awesome friends.  I just don't have a way to spend my time.  I could be writing the great American novel.  I have been so sick the last month.  It's crazy.

I wish I had a better handle on just existing.  I have found myself complaining or wishing I could be doing something else, when I  BEGGED God for a break a few months ago.  He gave it to me, and yet, I have been dissatisfied.  What is wrong with me that I can't just "be"?

I don't have that gene to relax.  I wish I had that gene. I think I would be a lot more content.

My prayer is that I can learn to rest in God, and not worry about the future, and to just exist in the moment and not analyze what the moment means, or where it is heading.

Laundry Day

I wish I had deep thoughts today.  I spent my day catching up on all the housework that has gone undone for the last few weeks while I had a stomach flu that wouldn't go away.  Thanks Lupus!

I did 7 (that's right, 7!!) loads of laundry.  I picked up all the shoes and I vacuumed.  After folding and putting away all that laundry, I was spent!

I find that if I put music on, the tasks don't seem so tedious.  Mary Poppins taught me that.

All for now.

Come to Jesus and LIVE - A vision

I have been trying to find a way to write what happened to me about 4 months ago. This is my poor attempt. 

First a little background. When I got the news that Leslie had been killed, I remember saying “She’ll never have another chance!” This was the cry of a loving sister who didn’t want her baby sister to suffer hell. It was the cry of someone who did not know the state of her sister’s soul. Here’s a quick tip: that is not our job. That is God’s job. However, that is how I felt in that moment. 

Over the next months, I had a peace inside that could only have come from the Holy Spirit…a peace that Leslie in fact was in heaven. How did I know this? It was just something deep inside me that said, “She is ok.” Anyone who grew up as we did, having been taught about a loving Savior, would certainly, in a time of crisis, call out to Jesus--and that comforted me.

I wrestled with many things during the grieving process. I was really tormented by the way she died. For months nearly every night I had nightmares, waking up screaming. Even though I have never seen an autopsy report, I can probably be pretty accurate in where her wounds were because I felt them every time I woke up from a nightmare. I could not deal with the fact that her last moments were hate-filled and horrific. It haunted me awake or asleep.

Finally, I had to deal with the basic questions of faith. Does God love me…yes or no? Yes. If He loves me, then He wants the best for me…yes or no? If the answer is yes, then is it also true that God loves Leslie and wants the best for her. If that is true, even though I don’t understand it, perhaps the circumstances, horrific as they were, were for her best. 
I could not wrap my human mind around it, but I did have faith in who God is and that He knows far more than I ever will.
This is the place of peace I had come to, when the following happened to me:

I was a work. It was about a month before the anniversary of Leslie’s death. I was all alone. I had my iPod going and was listening to music. This song came on. I have no memory of purchasing this song; but sometimes, iTunes will say, “if you like this, you might like that….” And perhaps that is how I came to own this song. 
It starts: 
“Weak and wounded sinner 
Lost and left to die 
O, raise your head, for love is passing by”
I saw Leslie falling to the ground and her head bouncing as she fell. A light, brilliant and beautiful, flashed right in front of her. Her eyes widened and a look of surprise filled her face. She tried to get up on all fours and shook her head to clear away what she was seeing. I saw her start to rise.
The next part of the song came on, 
“Now your burden's lifted 
And carried far away 
And precious blood has washed away the stain”

I saw the blood of Jesus mingle with her blood, almost like a waterfall that flowed between her and the man who was hurting her, completely consuming her attention so that she neither saw nor felt anything else that happened. She was totally overwhelmed with the rapture of the moment.

“And like a newborn baby 
Don't be afraid to crawl 
And remember when you walk 
Sometimes we fall...so 
Fall on Jesus 
Fall on Jesus 
Fall on Jesus and live!” 

As these words were being sung, I saw her fall backwards and look up in surprise as Jesus was catching her and holding her. The look on her face said, “I know you and you are here and I can’t believe it.” 

The rest I saw in shadow. I saw her body arching up as if she was being carried, and then the words came, 
“Sometimes the way is lonely 
And steep and filled with pain 
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then 
Cry to Jesus 
Cry to Jesus 
Cry to Jesus and live!”

The amazing thing was as her body fell backward, her spirit came out of her body. So, what I saw was the shadow of this world and the brilliance of the heavenly realm. As she started looking around, the peace and love that was infusing her face transformed her. She was the Leslie that I always saw in my heart, that innocent, loving, sweet, joyful girl. She was free. She was joy-soaked. This was everything I was seeing as the next part of the song was playing, 
“O, and when the love spills over 
And music fills the night 
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then 
Dance for Jesus 
Dance for Jesus 
Dance for Jesus and live!”

“And with your final heartbeat 
Kiss the world goodbye 
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus 
Fly to Jesus 
Fly to Jesus and live!”

She never looked back at her body. All she could see, as her body was dying was Jesus. She had no knowledge of what was happening to her body. She was surrounded by the great cloud of witnesses cheering her home. She ran to Jesus and kept running, and she was dancing and clapping her hands. God spoke to my heart and He said to me, “Marie, I love her so much that I would never let horror be her last moments. Her last moments on earth were heaven come down. All she felt was love. All she saw was love. All she knew was love. Weep not, for she lives.”

I was crying so hard. I mean heaving, sobbing crying. I had come to terms with who I knew God to be, and then, as a gift, He gave me this. I will never forget it. It showed me so much about God’s heart. How much He pursues us, until our dying breath. He doesn’t want anyone to perish to hell. He will do whatever it takes to bring His beloved home. Leslie had a choice. In those moments, when God revealed Himself to her, she could have turned away. She could have refused to call His name. She did not. She knew the Shepherd when she saw Him. 

I have attached the lyrics.

Chris Rice - Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus) Lyrics
Weak and wounded sinner 
Lost and left to die 
O, raise your head, for love is passing by 
Come to Jesus 
Come to Jesus 
Come to Jesus and live! 

Now your burden's lifted 
And carried far away 
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so 
Sing to Jesus 
Sing to Jesus 
Sing to Jesus and live! 

And like a newborn baby 
Don't be afraid to crawl 
And remember when you walk 
Sometimes we fall...so 
Fall on Jesus 
Fall on Jesus 
Fall on Jesus and live! 

Sometimes the way is lonely 
And steep and filled with pain 
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then 
Cry to Jesus 
Cry to Jesus Cry to Jesus and live! 

O, and when the love spills over 
And music fills the night 
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then 
Dance for Jesus 
Dance for Jesus 
Dance for Jesus and live! 

And with your final heartbeat 
Kiss the world goodbye 
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus 
Fly to Jesus 
Fly to Jesus and live!

Praise

I took Thanksgiving off from writing.  I mean, I worked my little fingers to the bone cooking, but writing...I was spent after working all day.

Good news, turkey was awesome.

Today, even though I was so tired from yesterday, I went to work at Operation Christian Child.   I truly enjoyed my hours of work today.  All our boxes were headed to the Philippines.  It felt so wonderful to focus on the needs of others, rather than running around trying to buy a bunch of stuff.

I pray that as we head toward this Christmas season, you pause and thank God for all He has done in your life.

In the words of the Doxology:

"Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.  Praise Him all creatures here below.  Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts.  Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost."

Veni, Vedi, Vici...

Yes, I have looked the enemy in the eye, and came out the victor!!! Of course, it was my own stupidity for even trying to tame the beast in the first place.  Yes, that is right, kittens, I went to the grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving! (Cue Law and Order dun-dun!)

Sometimes you need to get two ingredients and you need them NOW! (Cue, Alias "More than Words"....I NEED YOU NOOOOOOWWWWWWWW)

Right now you are either singing this in your heard, or googling Alias.  Muahahaha.  My little Thanksgiving gift.

Anyway, I went to the grocery store, I needed cherry jello and bourbon.  Awesome combo, right??? Well, the jello is for a cranberry (No D) salad, and the bourbon is for the chocolate pecan bourbon pie I am making.  One nice thing about Denver, is that you can get both at the grocery store.  I also knew I could pay at the liquor portion of the store, so I went to jello first.  One big (Little) problem.  I am Hobbit height, and the jello was on the top shelf and it was pushed way back.  This nice lady saw me trying in vain to reach it and got it for me.  I needed it NOOOOOWWWWWWW.

So, on to the liquor portion, where I got this tiny little bottle of bourbon that holds exactly 1/4 cup.  She remembered me from the other day (the I forgot my debit card and now I am panicking day).  I wonder why I stuck out in her memory, must be my winning personality.  HAHA. I purchased and started my escape.  I ducked. I weaved. I dodged.  I finally made it to the parking lot, when I was nearly run down by a mini cooper.  Boo on you, sir, boo on  you!!!

After breaking about a dozen hearts as I was walking to my car...nope, I parked all the way in the back.   I made it to the car.

I came. I saw. I conquered.

Everything but the kitchen sink...

I am cooking today.  I am making homemade chicken and noodles.  I started the stock yesterday and did the noodles today.  In the middle of the process, my sink/disposal kinda exploded.  Water everywhere.  I mean everywhere.  Since we are living on just the bare essentials here in Denver, while all our stuff is in storage in Oklahoma, I have only 4 towels and 2 kitchen towels.  I was hopping around like a spastic chicken trying to keep the dog out of the water, while my fever-adled brain was trying to figure out WHAT to do.  I ran to the linen closet and there weren't any there.  Oh! How about the dirty clothes? BINGO!!  I mean, they were going to get dirty anyway...

I started sopping up water, wondering what I had done to deserve this.  I called the apartment complex and they said they would send someone.  One hour later...with water still coming out of the pipe...a guy shows up.  He goes gets another guy, and they decided, yup, a plumber is needed.   I could have told them that! It was coming out of the pipe, and a piece of the pipe was off.  Plumber!! NOW!!!

They said, ok, m'am.  He will be here in 2 hours, don't use your sink, or your dishwasher.  I stand there, in the middle of all my ingredients with this horrified look on my face.  Fine. Right now, I am at three hours behind my schedule.  I still have to make the cranberry salad and chop all the celery and onions for the stuffing tomorrow.  I have to make the punch (yes, it requires cooking).

Tomorrow is all the baking.  I have a schedule!!! AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Meanwhile, in defiance, I went ahead and rolled out the dough and cut the noodles.  By the time they showed up, my noodles were ready to go into the boiling stock.  At least my house smells lovely, and I have dinner for my husband when he gets off work.


Until tomorrow's adventure...

Even the little things...

If you even wonder, "Does God care about the little things?" I will direct you to what is in my fridge right now.  Canada Dry Cranberry Ginger Ale.  That is right.  Not only is it there, but I got two, 2 litres for free!!! Whoot! Whoot!!!

I am one happy camper.

That is all.

Thankfulness

Psalm 100 - A psalm. For giving grateful praise.

1Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

2Worship the Lordwith gladness;

come before him with joyful songs.

3Know that the Lordis God.

It is he who made us, and we are his;

we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

4Enter his gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise;

give thanks to him and praise his name.

5For the Lordis good and his love endures forever;

his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Recently, I was told that as a spiritual warrior, I had many weapons at my disposal, but what I lacked was thankfulness.  When I heard this, it gave me pause.  Did I not praise God? Of course I did, even in the hardest of times, when there seemed nothing to praise Him about, I found something - if nothing else the gift of salvation.  Thankfulness?  Please.  I am thankful!!!

Or, am I????  I was talking to a friend last night and this came out of my mouth, "There is a difference between praise and thanksgiving.  Look at the Psalm, I will enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise."  What. Just. Happened.  I who a week before was all "Sure, I've got this. Thankfulness? Check." just showed that in fact, even though my mind did not know the difference, my spirit sure did.

Thankfulness vs. Praise.  The definition of praise is -  the act of expressing approval or admiration; the offering of grateful homage  in words or song; an act of worship.  The definition of thankfulness is -  feeling or expressing gratitude.

Praise is outward focused.  I praise God because He is awesome, inspiring, faithful, loving, and generous.  Thankfulness is is a little of both.  I am looking inward and thanking God for what He has done in my life and telling Him so.   We can praise God all day long and yet miss the thankful part.    Thanking Him is essential, because what you are really saying is, "Even though I don't understand, and even though I can't see what is going on and where you are taking me, I am thankful that you ARE doing it."  

Thankfully yours,

Marie

The Thief

Yesterday, I was talking to a new friend and I was talking about how God loves us.  Then, this thought occurred to me...the first person to be given forgiveness of sins was the thief on the cross.  For those who don't know this story, here is a refresher:

Luke 23:39-43

39One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”

40But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

42Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

43Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Just like that, forgiven.  He defended Jesus and asked to be remembered.  We don't know anything about this thief, but we do know there were two that day.  One hurling insults, mocking Jesus, the other saying, "No.  This is is the son of God."  Both faced with the same circumstances.  Both seeing the same things.  Both hearing the same words.  Two different conclusions.  One, refusing to believe.  The other, believing. 

This small moment in three lives intersecting and shows us so much.  It shows the heart matters.  It shows that God's forgiveness extends until our final moments.  It shows that God is continually reaching out to us, where we are, in those final moments before death.  God loves us.  LOVES us.  He loves us so much that He will pursue us until the end.

If you are on the cross of your past, you are free.  He paid the price and has His hand outstretched to help you down.  Free.  Alive. One day to be with Him in paradise.  

If you have already accepted his Lordship, and you feel you are still on the cross of your past, know that it is a lie.  That past no longer exists.  It was wiped clean by the precious blood of the Lamb.  Don't be like Lot's wife turning back, keep your eyes fixed on the mark of your higher calling.

Free. Loved. Forgiven. If you don't think you are worthy, remember the thief. 

Freely yours,

Miss M.

Familiar Comforts

I wrote about this briefly on my FB page, but moving to a different state has it's pluses, but it also definitely is an adjustment.

The first thing I noticed was that I couldn't find Williams Chili Seasoning at any grocery store I found in Denver.  This is a tragedy of immense proportions!!! We make chili at least once every two weeks, rain, sleet, snow, shine.  I am the postman of chili.

My first trip back to Oklahoma since moving up here was a whirlwind.  On the way back, 3 days later, I realized I had not purchased any Williams Chili Seasoning.  I took the next exit and found myself in Blackwell, Oklahoma.  They also had a Braum's.  Oh, how I miss Braum's.  Their hamburgers.  Their cherry limeades.  Their pineapple sherbet.  YUMMY!!!  Anyway, after scarfing down my  burger, I asked if there was a grocery store nearby.  It was two miles down the road.  I drove there, posthaste.  I walked in and asked where the chili seasoning was and found aisle 17.  AISLE 17!!!! (Cue angels harps and general adoration.)  They had 20 packets...I counted.  I took 17.  I mean, I was taught that you can't take the last of anything.  I sprinted out of there like some chili refugee happy to have my  "stash".

Since then, I have made chili and someone asked for one of my packets.  The mean-spirited, Grinch-like part of me was like, "NO WAY!!" You drive to Oklahoma and get your own stinkin' packet!!! Then I overcame that emotion (barely) and said, sure.  My heart definitely did NOT grow two sizes in that moment.

So now that it is holiday time, now I find myself without Cranberry Ginger Ale.  *HUGE SIGH*

However shall I overcome this tragedy? One day at a time, Sweet Jesus.  One day at a time.

Also, I go home mid-December and will horde more chili and ginger ale.

p.s.  You know it drives me crazy people pronounce cranberry as cranDberry.  There is NO D.  Ok, now that I have that out of my system, I will go back to recuperating from the stomach flu of 2012.

Miss M.

So sick...

This is day 10 of a stomach flu, and I am not happy about it.  I wish I had something pithy and fun to say today, but instead, all I want is a McDonald's Coke and to lay down.

Silver lining? I think I have lost at least 10 pounds.


Sick, but still Magnificent,

Marie

Standing Apart

Question on my mind today, "Who am I apart from my past?"  Ok, that is just a very broad question.  I guess what is rolling around inside my head (beside the marbles) is, if I am no longer a caretaker, and no longer the person I was, who am I now?"  If you have the answer, you can tell me.  I sure don't know what it is.  I find it is a journey.  Letting go of the past and the old defense mechanisms is freeing and terrifying all at once.

All I know, is that God is surely reshaping my mind and reshaping my spirit.  I can feel His fingers combing through my mind and plucking out things that aren't healthy.  I am joyful for this, but I will tell you it's like having a major makeover and when the chair turns around, you don't recognize yourself.  You know it is you, but it's a you that you never imagined.  That is what going on with me right now.  I am experiencing growing pains and growth spurts.  Remembering to be thankful for them both.

I am totally disjointed today, probably because I have been sick for 8 days.  I think the Lupus train has taken over the stomach virus and is trying to run away with my immune system.

Knowing that I am being healed in every way.  I will remain your Miss M.

My Own Personal Nineveh

So, I am sitting here, after getting off the phone with my mother.  We had a really nice long chat.  I was filling her in on things that have transpired over the last couple weeks.  Once again, as with most conversations that have taken place in my life over the last 2 months, it circled back to writing.  She gave me some great advice, which basically boiled down to "get off your duff and do it".

Everyone has been telling me to write.  Write. Write!!! WRITE!!!! JUST DO IT!!! Have I done it? No.  Have I thought about it? Yes.  I've thought. I've talked.  The thing I haven't done is written it.

At the church I am attending here in Denver, they are doing a series on Jonah.  Now, yesterday they came and dropped off the book and I haven't read it yet.  However, I was thinking about it, and the Lord said to me that writing was my own personal Nineveh.   Now, Jonah didn't want to go there.  He thought the people weren't worthy of hearing from God.  I do NOT have that problem.  MY problem is that I don't think I AM worthy to do the things that God has asked me to do.  So, I am doing the same thing Jonah did...I am running.  Now, if I break it down to you first grade style, running from God is like an ant running from you.  You are bigger, stronger and faster, and you can see them scurrying this way and that to get away.  We are like that to God.  He just looks and chuckles.  I'm paraphrasing here, but I'm sure He is saying, "Really? That's your play? Running?"  Look, I don't know about you  but God has never started a sentence with me with "verily I say unto you".  Ok. I'm digressing.

So, I have been running.  I have been afraid what will come of what happens when I say to God, "I am all in".

Well, you know what? I AM all in.  I declare that I am all that God has said I am.  I will be who He says I am, and I will DO what He asks me to do, and I won't be dragging my feet about it.  I am getting off my duff.

I have been in the belly of the whale of insecurity and fear, and I am free of it.  I will declare boldly all that God says to me.


I am His instrument and He can use me as He wills.

Your ever declarative and obedient,

Miss M.

What a difference a year makes!

The last time I posted on here, I was just weeks into a tragic situation that rocked my world.  My sister's death was so shocking, it put my entire system into shock.  I immediately went to a grief counselor.  I knew that I could not deal with this on my own.  My counselor was a good Christian woman who just listened to me cry (a lot) and listened to my hurt.  She encouraged me.  She pushed me, when pushing was needed and pulled me back, when I was just barreling through the process.  I figured, if I cry it all out, then it's finished. Um. No.  Only an idiot would think that...and sometimes I am that idiot!!

A year and a couple months out of all of it, this is what I can tell you. It is still awful.  However, I can honestly say that I rejoice as well.  Through this grieving process, I have come to know God better than I ever did.  I understand His heart more than I ever did.  I also had to come to the end of myself and talk about what is really "real" to me.

1.  Does God love me, yes or no??

If the answer is yes, then question 2.

2.  Does God want the very best for me, yes or no??

Yes, He does.  If that is true, then what I am experiencing must be for my good and the best for me.

(Record scratching to a halt!)  Say what?  How can you tell me my sister's murder is for the best??? How can you tell me that it is for my good???

3.  If God loves me, and wants my best, isn't it also true that He felt the same way about Leslie??

No, no.  You see, how could that be good???  Well, it all comes down to the definition of good.  We tend to think of good as something we want.  God is more concerned for the good of our souls.  Present day trials are things He uses to refine us and prepare us for eternity.

It's easy to say, but much harder to live.  Here is what I know.

God loves my sister.  Her death, horrific as it was, gave her space to run to Him.  God loves me.  He used her death to deal with things that were WAY down deep in my soul.  So deep, that I didn't know they were there.

In the past, I felt that when God was dealing with things, it was really painful.  I now know it was only painful, because I wouldn't let go.  (Sure, God take it away...oh wait, I'm still holding on? Weird. Take it.  Huh? I am gripping it harder than an item 90% off at Williams Sonoma??, and this goes on and on.)

During the healing process, I didn't struggle once.  I just kinda laid there like some mushy lump of tears and weariness and you know what? God said, "This thing here, it must go." and I said, "Ok". End of story.  He just skimmed things right off the top of my heart and soul.  Easy Peasy.

So, God transformed me with His Comfort and His Love and I never felt a thing.  I emerged from the cocoon of grief, stronger, happier, more sure of who God is, and His love for me.


I encourage you, if you are in your own world rocking situation, to remember that in the most horrible circumstances comes Good.  Allow the Holy Spirit to move in and through you unimpeded.  Enjoy the feeling of God's arms around you, and His gentle brushing away of old things and the healing of old wounds.  God is more than enough for anything you are facing.

Yours in encouragement,

Miss Magnificent