Cleansing

Today was spectacularly horrid. I cried, a lot. I don't often cry, and certainly not about silly things like work. However, I realized that what I am not crying from...I'm crying out from. It's a wound. A wound in my heart that I thought was healed. Today, God is showing me, that no, it's not healed. A man in authority over me, invaded my space, spewing venom. It took all the strength that I posses and God's strength to keep me from fighting and from running. Those are three responses to abuse. Freeze. Flight. Fight. The only thing I froze from those days was my heart. Well, God is thawing it out and showing me there are deep wells of feeling thawed out and I am getting used to have these pesky things known as feelings. God created us to feel, and to feel deeply. IF you love me, feed my sheep. If you love me....not if you fear me, not if you want a reward....if you love me. I asked God tonight to come into the wound from my childhood and clean it out. I gave Him permission to remove the dying flesh, and to revive it and restore it to how He created it to be.

I get so frustrated with myself when I fail. I mean, I'm perfect, right? RIGHT? Of course not, but I hold myself to a higher standard than the God of the Universe. How stupid is that of me? He's more tender. He's more forgiving. He's more compassionate. May God mould me into His heart. Valiant. Strong. True. Loving. Gentle. Kind. Forgiving.

My heart and my soul feel beaten up to today, but I know that I am going through these tests to move me to a higher place. If you move higher into the High Places, you need all the heart capacity you can get, so you can get oxygen to your lungs. Well, spiritually, we need the same. Optimum working conditions so we can run, leap, and follow our Shepherd into the Highest of Places.

Oh my God I worship you and joyfully proclaim that all the pain is nothing compared to your love and your goodness. I lift my hands and my heart to you so that I am washed in your love. Sanctify me. Strengthen me. Love me beyond comprehension.

Rising as a phoenix from the ashes of the altar of my self-will.

Miss Magnificent