When I left Oklahoma, I was being obedient to what God asked of me, and of us, but I wasn't excited I just knew it was necessary. Denver was nearly a year of new discoveries and of a lot of peeling away of the who I thought I was and what I thought I SHOULD be. My memories are more fond that I actually recall feeling when I was there. Although, the weather was really awesome! We got to do some really fun and exciting things and I met some very cool people.
We moved to Arkansas for the my husband's job. I did it again, with necessary obedience to God. I wasn't excited about it, but I knew that if God wanted us here, then well, it was for the best. We have been here almost a year and now the winds they are a changing! Here I went through a spectacular grief hissy fit. Really, that is a very nice way of saying that I was extremely pissed off. I could pray for others, but to talk directly to God about me, or how I was feeling - the words just chocked off. I didn't want to hear it, and I didn't want to say it. I felt somehow that I was being unjust to the wonderful gift that God gave me - showing me what my sister saw as she died. Did I have a right to be angry after I had so much peace? Did I have a right to be pissed off that she was on a cloud playing some kind of lute, fist-pumping with St. Peter and hanging out with Jesus, while I slogged through this crap storm of a world? Did that make me petty? Did it make me less than?? What it made me was...wait for it...human. GASP!!!! Anything but that!!! You know how I HATE emotions!!! Ugh. Well, I have been dealing with lots of them. God has been gently putting pressure on me to face myself and my fears. Ugh. Lessons, more lessons, SO MANY LESSONS!!! Maybe if I wasn't so pig-headed and stubborn, then maybe I wouldn't need so many!!!
Frankly, my grousing about Leslie tripping the light fantastic smacked a little too close to home of the elder son in the parable about the prodigal son. Everyone focuses on the younger one, goes astray, and then comes home and the father is SOOOOO happy. Meanwhile, older, responsible son who has done all the right things is a little grouchy about killing the fatted calf. I was that older one. Why should I be angry that Leslie got such an awesome gift?? Why should I be angry that she doesn't have to deal with this crap anymore?? Because I miss her. We were always a team - even if people didn't understand our very complicated relationship. We were always a team. Now, I am the cheese standing alone. Ugh. I hate it.
I am totally rabbit trailing tonight. My thoughts are all over the place. So, I was praying yesterday and this mantle of gratefulness just fell over me. I had such gratitude for what God has done in my life. Gratitude for the trials and the hardships. Gratitude for His immense love for me, and for my sister. Gratitude. Thankfulness. Peacefulness. It just slid over me, so easily and for once I didn't shrug it off. I didn't harden myself to it. I just let it cover me up and my heart, well, it sort of welled up. Easily. My love for the Father, which I had started to question existed, rose out of me so sweepingly that it was overwhelming. His love overwhelmed me. Anointed my head. Like the healing Balm of Gilead, it soothed over the scars of the pain that my soul still wears.
I am hopeful. It is a sensation that is new to me again. Hopeful in a way that I haven't been since I got that phone call July 29, 2011. I feel the breezes of change on the horizon. I feel strength coming into my spirit. I feel the hope of what is to come. I know, that I know, that I know, that God has it all under control. I don't have to fret. I don't have to worry. He is. He has been. He will be. It's not my job to do His job. My job is to just love Him, obey Him, and follow Him. The rest is just details.
If you are in those dark places that I know so well, I ask that you just look up, if you head is to heavy for that, raise your eyes and see that He is there. He is always watching over you. All you need to say is Jesus. There is nothing more powerful you can say. Jesus. He is there.
Peacefully yours,
Marie the Magnificent
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